


Together we'll make it through somehow

by Pine_Daddy



Series: Langst [3]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Anorexia, Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia, Bulimia Nervosa, Bulimic Lance (Voltron), Eating Disorders, Gen, Hurt Lance (Voltron), Insecure Lance (Voltron), Lance (Voltron)-centric, TW: Vomiting, Tags are to be added in each chapter/update, lance has anorexia/bulimia, random alien characters, rated teen because ya know, somewhat of a vent fic, tw: eating disorders, tw: self-harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2018-12-05 18:07:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11583420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pine_Daddy/pseuds/Pine_Daddy
Summary: "The feeling had come back.  First as a little tingling in the back of his throat, which slowly became more frequent until it was a wave of nausea.  The feeling had grown so strong that eventually it was basically all he could feel."Lance cared a lot about his appearance, how he looked, how others saw him, these were very important things to him.He did whatever it took to look good; choosing his clothes carefully, doing beauty routines everyday, maintaining his looks, being fit, everything he needed to do to remain attractive.But maybe this time…He took it too far.





	1. Relapse

**Author's Note:**

> "I told another lie today  
> And I got through this day  
> No one saw through my games  
> I know the right words to say  
> Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came"
> 
> Courage // Superchicks

The feeling had come back. First as a little tingling in the back of his throat, which slowly became more frequent until it was a wave of nausea. The feeling had grown so strong that eventually it was basically all he could feel.

It started again one day after long hours of harsh training and they were eating dinner, Lance must've been eating a lot because one of the Paladins had made a joking comment about his weight. Lance laughed it off of course, before changing the subject, hoping the others wouldn't notice that he had stopped eating.

Later that night, before he took his shower, he stood in front of a mirror in his bathroom, staring at his figure. 'Have I really gained that much weight?' He thought to himself, turning around a bit to examine himself more.

He frowned as he looked at his stomach, feeling as though it looked chubbier than it should. He sucked it in, seeing his chest puff out and his ribs become visible. He let out a breath and he faced the mirror again, arms crossing over his stomach.

He felt sick as his throat tightened and his stomach felt queasy, flip flopping anxiously like he had eaten something bad or like he was about to puke. His throat tickled and his breath hitched. He felt like he couldn't breath.

Quickly, without thought, he kneeled over the toilet, dry-heaving as he tightly gripped the seat. He coughed as he felt a familiar burning sensation in his throat. Eventually, he managed to rid his body of the dinner he had eaten not too long ago.

His arms and hands shook as his grip on the toilet loosened and he was breathing hard and sweating, looking down at what was his dinner, looking the same as it did before.

Lance's nose crinkled in disgust, lip curling up at the sight before flushing the toilet and shutting the lid.

He remained there on the floor, enjoying the cold feeling of the bathroom floor before standing back up.

The feeling in his throat and stomach was gone, he felt empty, yet light and refreshed, he felt so much better now. He continued with his routine, taking a shower and brushing his teeth before applying his nightly face mask and robe.

Lance headed back to his room, laying down on his bed and putting on his headphones, allowing the music to lull him to sleep.

That night he dreamt about his family, he dreamt about his parents, and the beach, and eating at the pizza shack on warm summer evenings. But the pleasant dream quickly turned into a traumatic nightmare, as memories of teasing and taunting returned. All those kids insulting him and his weight, all the horrible, anxious feelings crashing into him like a wave, until he felt like he was drowning.

The teen awoke suddenly, gasping for much needed breath; panicked breaths slowing down back to normal as he gulped. He sat up, headphones falling to rest around his neck as he could still faintly hear music playing.

He looked over at the clock beside his bed, which Pidge and Hunk had built so they could all be able to tell what they guessed would be Earth time. At the moment the clock said it was around 5:45 am, a few minutes or so before they usually woke up. 

Now usually Lance would go back sleep till it was actually time to wake up, but he was too awake and brain-active now, so he settled with getting ready earlier.

He returned to the bathroom, removing the mask and washing his face as he changed into his regular clothing. Just in time for the wake up alarm to blare as the others woke up.

Lance quickly headed to the kitchen, where Allura and Coran were waiting, they looked up in surprise to see Lance, who usually was the last to arrive, awake and all dressed and ready.

"Lance," Allura spoke, sounding a bit shock and confused, "You're up earlier than usual."

He simply shrugged and hummed, "Yeah," he headed over to the table and sat down, "I just felt like getting up early today I guess."

The princess nodded as she went to sit down. "Well, I'm glad to see you ready for the day," she smirked a little, "Today's training is going to be pretty grueling." Her eyebrow quirked up, "Are you sure you're prepared?"

Lance grinned back at her smugly, "I'm ready for anything you got to throw at me," he added a wink for good measure as Allura chuckled a bit, just as the others arrived.

Like Allura and Coran, they were surprised to see him arrive so early, but didn't question it as they all ate breakfast, not even bothering a glance at the uneasy Lance who poked around his food.

He was okay, he convinced himself, it was a one time thing, he was past that now. 

He was fine.

~:~

Allura really wasn't joking when she said training would be harder now. They had been going at it for hours now, and still hardly any progress, they were getting exhausted at this point.

Surprisingly, Lance didn't mind it as much as usual; anything to burn off the calories he had consumed earlier, anything to be fit. He had to stay in shape to be a paladin of Voltron.

He had to stay in shape to be attractive.

Eventually they all decided to take a quick lunch break, in which Lance finally agreed to and settled down with his fellow sweaty Paladins to eat. Even if the act made him feel gross, well, grosser than before. Memories of last night returning as his nose twitched in disgust, feeling although he was literally eating his own bile. But he knew the others would make him eat anyway, and he could always exercise it off during training anyway.

Once they all finished they were sent to finish their former training/task. This time, Lance was way more awake as he managed to complete the task first, before anyone, even before Shiro! The others congratulated and complimented him, making Lance feel truly confident and boosting his self-esteem, allowing him to momentarily forget all his negative feelings for the time being.

They finished off the tiring day with a nice celebratory dinner, one that Hunk baked. 

Lance didn't necessary want to eat, but he didn't want to seem impolite or rude to Hunk and the others, so he joined along them, eating as much as he could despite the nausea and queasy feelings.

The others chatted as they began to grow tired, Lance leaving almost immediately as he excused himself and rushed to his room, not wanting to worry or alert the others to his illness. Especially not Hunk, he'd feel so bad if his friend thought his cooking was the fault that Lance was sick.

The blue paladin practically bolted into the bathroom, shutting the door as he groaned and fell back into it, clutching his queasy stomach. He tried to steady put his breaths to become slower and deeper, in hopes to relieve the pain, but it proved to be useless as he hurried over to the toilet to puke.

Once he was done he didn't even bother looking at it, already feeling sick enough as it was, and the smell wasn't helping it at all. He flushed the toilet and stood up to clutch at the counter, arms feeling shaky as he took multiple calming breaths. 

It must be a stomach bug, he concluded, before going to step into the shared showers, that's why I feel sick. He reasoned to himself as he did his nightly routine, returning to his room and falling into yet another restless sleep.

~:~

The next day he hardly ate anything for breakfast, as the thought of merely eating was enough to make him feel sick. He simply poked around his food with the spoon, listening to the weird squishy noises it made as he played around with it. 

"Lance, you've hardly eaten at all, are you alright?" Coran asked behind him, snapping the Cuban boy out of his daze and he turned around to look at the older man.

"O-oh! Yeah! Just a bit tired is all," he spoke, hoping that they'd buy it.

The Altean chuckled a bit, "I'd imagine so after the training the princess put you through yesterday, I'll try to convince her to go easy on you guys today."

Lance managed a small smile in return, "Thanks Coran, that'd be awesome!" 

"Anything for my favorite paladin!" He smiled cheerfully as he patted his shoulder and leaned down, "Don't tell anyone I said that though," he whispered, adding a wink.

Lance chuckled softly, "I can't make any promises."

"But do try to eat a bit more, you'll need the energy." The orange haired man added.

"Sure thing." Lance replied, giving him his signature grin as the man nodded and headed off.

Lance didn't eat any more for that meal.

~:~

Lance suddenly remembered how much he hated eating in front of other people. It felt although everyone was staring and judging him, commenting on how much he ate and his weight, their whispers felt like sharp knives, even though it was mostly all in his head.

They had visited a neutral planet to form an alliance with them.

The conference went without mishap, as they managed to form a successful alliance with the alien species. And in celebration for that, a banquet was served as they dined along with most of the townsfolk and higher ups and such. 

Everyone was excited to finally eat something that didn't look like lumpy green yogurt, even Lance was looking forward to it, hoping that maybe if he ate and kept it down, all the negative thoughts and feelings would disappear. 

The others had already begun digging in, Lance was about to as well, until he saw two of the generals whispering to each other, one casting a brief glance at him. 'They're probably talking about the alliance or politics,' Lance reasoned to himself, 'They're not talking about you.' And yet, his appetite had disappeared, instead replaced with a feeling of queasiness at the mere thought of food. But he didn't want to appear rude so he took small bites, chewing on them for a while in hopes it would satisfy his hunger for a while at least.

"Lance?" Hunk's voice spoke up as Lance faced towards his friend, who looked a bit concerned, "You've barely even touched your food, are you okay?" 

Lance gave him a small smile and nodded, "Yeah, I'm okay, just not that hungry is all." 

Hunk frowned at that, "That's too bad, it's really good."

Lance chuckled, "Pretty much anything is better than the food goo to be honest." 

Hunk laughed as well, smiling warmly, "That's true."

They finished as they made their way off, they would need a good nights rest before training tomorrow. They all could go back to the Castle with feelings of success and full bellies. All except for Lance, who returned to his room that night, feeling insecure and stomach empty. 

Perhaps he needed a hobby to distract his mind for a while.

~:~

Lance took up on training in the deck for time being, Allura always said he could use the extra training anyways so this seemed like a good time, it was also a great way to lose weight faster and be more fit. He had made it to Level Four in the program so far, in which he felt proud of himself for and decided to take a brief break for a moment, find a way to cool down. And what better way to cool down than to go swimming.

Pidge, Hunk, and Coran had figured out a way to program the pool so it was available for the others to swim in. This was very exciting to Lance as he had been dying to swim again, since apparently most of the water on the planet they visited were either unsafe for humans or they just weren't allowed to swim. He went to get changed as he headed into the elevator, hoping no one else would suddenly join him last minute like Keith did last time, and what fun did that turn out to be.

He hoped he'd be alone, despite being used to being surrounded by people and family almost every second of the day, he liked his alone time as well. He swam much more better and comfortably when no one else was around, as he hated it when other people watched it sometimes, as it made him feel anxious about messing up. He especially hated when any part of his body or skin was exposed to others, whether or not they were family. He always hated his body, and whenever someone else even so much as glanced at it, it only would remind him of how much he hated it and would make him feel extremely insecure.

The elevator doors closed (thankfully not being stopped by anyone else) as it rose upwards, dinging as it made its arrival at the Castle pool. 

He stepped out into the cold metal floor, breathing in the smell of a clean room and fresh water. He tossed his towel aside onto the floor and headed over to dip his toes into the pool, testing its temperature. It was surprisingly not as cold as he would've thought and he slowly made his way in, leaping straight into the glistening water, smiling as it surrounded him. 

He swam around in laps for a while, going back and forth, hardly stopping to take a break at all, he was in his zone, nothing could break him from it now.

Until Keith decided to barge in.

"Hey," the other teen's monotone voice filled the mostly empty, echoey room. 

Lance stopped immediately, jumping in his spot at the sudden noise as he turned to face the red paladin, on instinct he sucked in his gut, hoping it'd appear flatter. "Oh, hey Keith." He greeted back, "Uh, what're you doing here?"

The teen raised a brow as he tossed aside his towel as well, staring down at Lance, "Uhhhh, swimming? This is a pool right? I'm pretty sure that's what they're used for."

"No really?" The blue paladin scoffed in a playful manner, "I thought they were used as a bathroom."

Keith's face twisted in disgust, "You better have not peed in that pool." 

Lance smirked as he swam closer, resting his arms on the edge of the upper floor, "What if I did?"

"That's nasty Lance." The shorter male sent a judging look down at him.

The tan skinned boy chuckled, weaving a hand through his wet hair, "What? People do it all the time at public pools," he shrugged casually at the statement.

"Which is one of the reasons why I don't go to public pools," Keith replied.

"And the second reason must be because you live in a shack in the middle of a desert." Lance said, grinning in a playful way as his face turned a bit curious, How do you know how to swim anyway?"

"Shiro taught me," he answered.

Lance nodded, eyes following his teammate as he began to head into the pool. "I bet I'm a better swimmer than you."

Keith seemed to shrug at this as he entered into the pool, "I mean, probably, since you lived on a beach your whole life."

Lance smiled fondly at the memory of hanging out at the shack on the beach, chuckling lightly as he pushed off the wall and floated around. "Yeah, I was top of my class, fastest swimmer."

"Oh really?" the red paladin smiled, playfully raising an eyebrow and his voice turned competitive. "Wanna test that?"

Lance grinned back, "You're on."


	2. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful  
> The day I chose not to eat  
> What I do know is how I've changed my life forever  
> I know I should know better."
> 
> Courage // Superchick
> 
> Trigger Warnings for this chapter:  
> References to self-harm, purging, references to bulimia and anorexia, vomiting, brief mention of depression/suicide and drug use.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating in a while! A lot of stuff came up (school, getting a puppy, low key drama, lack of inspiration, etc.) but I'm trying to write this more often! Also the fact that I'm sick and got bored so,,,
> 
> Enjoy?
> 
> please send memes or cute videos i'm sad

Today was a great day, it was a good day, an okay, average, normal day. He was fine, he had eaten during meals and managed to keep it down. He was doing great, everything was going great.

So why did he feel so horrible?

It was just a small mistake, anyone could've done it, in fact, he wasn't the only one. After all, everybody makes mistakes, everybody has those days, isn't that how that song goes? 

This is how it went; he, along with Pidge and Hunk, were supposed to help out Shiro with a diplomatic meeting on one of the planets they recently liberated, but instead of doing that, he decided to have fun around town with his buddies. Later Shiro had come and found them, saying he was disappointed in them for not coming to help when he asked, for not going along with their duties. They all apologized and their leader accepted it, saying it was fine and he just didn't want it to happen again.

Shiro forgave them, so why did he still feel like a mean, selfish jackass? Maybe it's because he is one, because that's how everyone else sees him, don't they? Pidge did call him one a few days ago, even if they were joking, it was technically true in a way, wasn't it?

Lance's stomach suddenly growled in hunger, because in his guilt and self-pitying, he had barely eaten at all, the strong urge to puke came back, bringing with it the urge to punish himself, to somehow cause himself enough pain to distract himself from the feelings of guilt.

Without thinking and against his better judgment, Lance got up and headed to the bathroom, locking the door behind him as he kneeled before the toilet, arms shaking as he held onto the seat.

'What the hell am I doing?' He thought to himself, gripping onto the seat tighter, 'This won't fix anything,' he closed his eyes, stomach churning in pain from stress and anxiety. Why was he doing this again? He was doing so well before, so why has it come back again?

Was it because he was in war? Because he wasn't prepared for this? Because his life has started growing so unpredictable and untamable? And the closet thing he had control over, was how he ate? Because the only good thing about him was his looks? And even that wasn't good enough. To be honest, he didn't know anymore, but it isn't like that is anything new.

When he struggled to have anything come up, he shoved two fingers down his throat, reaching them back as far as possible until he started gagging, taking the fingers out as he heaved into the toilet. His throat burned from stomach acid, a queasy and tired feeling overcoming him almost immediately. But in spite of all that, all negative feelings seemed to have disappeared, and he felt relieved. Lance then flushed the toilet, not giving mind to how very little he had puked up this time.

He decided to clean himself off, as he probably stank from all the training they did today. He stepped into the steamy shower, letting the hot water soak up in his hair and flow down his back, covering him in warmth and washing away all his anxiety and sore muscles as he relaxed. Or tried to anyway.

He remembered back on Earth, whenever he got into an argument with his father, he'd go talk about it to his mom, who in return, always spoke reasonably, never blaming him or his father for the fights. She never spoke down to him and always remained kind. She would then get him his favorite drink and they'd chat at the table, laughing all his insecurities away. He missed moments like that. He wondered how she was doing now.

When he finally finished he stepped out the shower, briefly combing his hair and grabbing his night mask before he prepared to head to bed. Ignoring the empty feeling in his stomach and how it grumbled at him to feed it, to eat more food. 

That didn't matter right now. He didn't need to eat. He was fine.

He just needed some rest.

~:~

Lance woke up early again, suddenly realizing he forgot to do his usual nightly skin care routine last night. He groaned, contemplating whether or not he should do it now or just catch up with it later. He looked at the clock thing Pidge and Hunk had helped create sitting on his table, showing that the time was around 6:30 am, which wasn't really enough time to do his entire routine. He'd just have to wait until later.

He sighed deeply, trudging out of bed as he quickly got changed and headed out to the kitchen. As he entered the teen grabbed one of the bowls, contemplating if he should eat breakfast today or simply skip it. After a long moment of pondering, his mind eventually drifted off and he forgot what he was thinking about, he placed the bowl back with the others, closing the latch as he turned away and walked towards the dining table.

Eventually the others arrived, all sitting down and eating their tasteless breakfast; Pidge was chewing slowly, deep bags under her eyes, looking although she hadn't slept in days, and frankly Lance wouldn't be surprised if she hadn't. He saw her drifting off, nearly face slamming into her goo, before being shaken awake by Hunk, who scolded her for staying up again.

Lance would've chuckled at that, but he felt too exhausted to even sigh at the moment, his body felt weak and sluggish, as even the mere thought of simply just talking seemed too exhausting and required too much energy. Somewhere, in the far logical parts of his brain, he knew it had to do with the fact he hadn't been eating properly, not giving his body the proper nutrition it needed, but he shoved those thoughts away, blaming his tiredness on yesterday's events.

"Good morning paladins!" Coran greeted as he walked into the room, optimistic and smiling as always, before frowning at the sad, exhausted bunch of teens, nearly half asleep at the table. "What's wrong with you all? Did you get sick or something?"

"I don't think it's possible to catch a common cold in space," Pidge grumbled, pushing her goo around with her spoon.

"Actually, I'm pretty sure it's possible," Hunk spoke up, "If your immune system is really weak or you have poor hygiene-"

"I'm surprised Keith hasn't gotten sick then," Lance quipped, leaning his chin on his hand as he looked over at the confused red paladin, "He has shitty hygiene."

"Hey!" Said teen huffed, sitting up straight in his defensive posture, glaring at the tan male, "My hygiene isn't that bad! I'm perfectly healthy!"

"Dude, you literally reek of sweat and your hair is greasy af," Lance scoffed, "Honestly, all you have to do is just ask me for some soap or something, believe me, I'd gladly give it to you."

Keith scowled angrily, about to shout an insult to the rude paladin before Shiro cut them off.

"Enough!" He commanded, he too, looked like he barely slept at all, rubbing his eyes as he glared at them both in annoyance, "Can we please not do this? It's too early and I don't have the time or patience right now," he rubbed his forehead, looking at Lance. "Apologize to Keith. Now."

The Cuban boy huffed, but turned to his teammate, looking genuinely apologetic, "Sorry man."

Keith took a deep breath, calming himself down as he relaxed, no longer as tense, "It's fine."

The rest of the morning was spent in silence, awkward and filled with tension. Nobody spoke to each other except for a few passing words and commands during training. 

Allura and Coran could tell they wouldn't get anything productive done if they were like this, so they allowed the paladins some free time to go off and do whatever they wanted. Everyone took this opportunity to go back to their beds and catch up on some desperately needed sleep. That is, everyone except for two people. Keith, as usual, having continued with training, needing some time alone to think and release hidden anger and frustration. As Lance went off for some bonding time with the Blue Lion.

He sat atop her massive paw, leaning into her leg, feeling the cold metal press against his skin, cooling him off as he talked to her. He told her more about Earth, he told her about his huge family and all the crazy shenanigans that went on, he told her about Cuba and it's gorgeous beaches, he told her about his childhood, he told her how he met Hunk and Pidge, he told her about all the crazy adventures in the Garrison that would've certainly gotten him kicked out had their superiors found out. He talked and talked and talked and talked, telling her about everything. 

Including his insecurities.

He told her about his self confidence and his fear of being replaced, or worse, forgotten. He told her about how he lost one of his dearest friends to depression and a drug addiction. He told her about his insecurities with himself as a person, how he wasn't smart enough like Pidge, or strong like Shiro, or as talented as Keith, or as good as a friend as Hunk. 

He told her what he did everyday, all the loathing and the self-hatred, all the horrible thoughts and the pinching and the scratching and the vomiting.

He told her how this wasn't even the first time he did it, he told her about how Hunk one day found him forcefully puking up his guts in their shared bathroom, and how that wasn't even the first time either. 

He told her about middle school, he wasn't overweight back then or anything, hell, his weight was pretty much average. But after too many passing comments on how much he ate, and the sudden realization that maybe, he wasn't healthy? That was his final breaking point.

He started to cut off how much he usually ate, stopped snacking and started being more active. And at the start, everything was fine, he was being healthy! He wasn't doing anything harmful at all, in fact, his family complimented him on how active he was being, now to an average weight.

But then, he started cutting off entire meals. Skipping breakfast and dinner, eating less during lunch, and on the days he actually ate his meals? He only felt worse then he did before, feeling although he was ruining his entire regime. He didn't remember when he started to think that being full was bad, he didn't remember when he got used to being constantly hungry.

But then his family got worried, asking him why he never ate, so Lance, fearing his family would find out, or worse, blame themselves for it, starting eating again. All the concerns his parents had quickly disappeared, as they passed it off as forgetfulness or simply him just eating a big lunch at school.

But Lance didn't want to eat, while it felt good to finally eat something, he always ended up feeling terrible afterwards, as if he was gaining back all the weight he had worked so hard to get rid off, despite barely eating anything still. He didn't know how to fix this problem without his family questioning him again.

Then he discovered purging.

A quick and easy way to eat all he wanted, and then he could just simply puke it back up, that way he'd get the sugar and avoid the threat of gaining anything. This way, he could stay skinny and his parents wouldn't suspect a thing. It was the perfect plan.

Right?

Turns out, it wasn't, as his siblings could easily hear him throwing up in their bathroom, rushing to inform mom and dad, who fussed over their youngest child, finally noticing the changes in his body and taking him to the doctors immediately. 

And it's pretty much impossible to hide your eating habits and rapid weight loss from your doctor. As they questioned him until he finally broke down, unable to contain his feelings any longer. 

He remembered his parents crying, asking why he would do this, wondering if somehow they were responsible for this. At this, all he could do was sob, overcome with guilt and regret as he stammered out,

"I just wanted to be attractive."

 

Lance suddenly felt himself crying, the memories too overwhelming as he hugged himself, snot and tears staining his jeans and jacket sleeves. Why was he like this? Why couldn't he just be satisfied with himself for once? Why did he have to be such a failure all the time? He couldn't even do something as simple as just being healthy right, he had to go screw that up too.

The Blue Lion, sensing the distress of her paladin, sent calming purrs and rumbles to him through their bond. It pained her to see him like this, so distraught and full of self-loathing, feelings of never being good enough when he was more than enough. He was her paladin, her cub, her child, she loved him and wanted him to know that, she wanted to wash away all his negative thoughts a feelings, she wanted him to be happy.

But all she could right now, was to try and comfort him, and assure him that everything will be alright.

That they could make it through somehow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I stopped a bit earlier than I usually would because oof… I wasn't planning on getting that deep into his backstory and I accidentally brought up some… uncomfortable thoughts and feelings about myself and I just need to take a break for a bit.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed though? Because I projected myself into here a lot more than I usually allow myself too and I feel like crap now.
> 
> Also, if you want me to still be able to update this story, please, sign this petition to save Net Neutrality or call the FCC or your senators to tell them you oppose the repeal of Net Neutrality.  
> https://www.change.org/p/save-net-neutrality-netneutrality


	3. Mind-Meld

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Then someone tells me how good I look  
> And for a moment, for a moment I am happy  
> But when I'm alone, no one hears me cry." 
> 
> Hello again! 
> 
> So this update took longer than I would've liked, due to the fact that all of my writings (including the third chapter of this) all disappeared suddenly. This really killed my motivation for a long time so I didn't do anything. But now that school is out I have more time to write and stuff.
> 
> TW: Self-deprecation, brief suicidal thought, body dysmorphia.

Yet another sleepless night.

Lance groaned as he stared up at the ceiling, still a dull gray as usual. Nothing has changed about it and nothing will change about it. The days merged into one, becoming so routine and monotone; wake up, eat, train, puke, shower, sleep, repeat. At this point he just wished something would happen! He'd even be okay with having to save a planet or something, as stressful and scary as battles were at least it was something.

He grumbled, looking over at his weird Altean clock.

7:43 AM… cool…

His eyes widened in horror as his breath hitched and his heart stopped instantly. 

Quiznak, he was late.

He threw off the covers, hastily throwing off his pajamas and peeling the mask, shoving on his clothes in a rushed panic as he raced out the door.

He completely missed breakfast, the team was probably already training and they were probably so pissed at him right now. He could already feel their disappointed gaze, as he skidded into the dining room, seeing everyone finishing up as they went to put away their plates.

Everyone looked up at him, the teen panting as he looked over at everyone, face hot in embarrassment. 

"Uh… morning." He spoke, awkwardly waving his hand as Shiro gave him The Look.

"You're late and you missed breakfast." He said, his voice even yet slightly annoyed. 

"I know, sorry about that, I didn't sleep well and I didn't even notice the time." Lance apologized, scratching the back of his neck, as he shuffled his foot on the ground. He avoided eye contact with the others, feeling to ashamed and embarrassed to look at them right now.

"It's fine, don't worry about it," the black paladin sighed, getting up to take care of his plate. "Just try not to let it happen again."

"I won't, it's just kinda one of those days you know?" Lance said casually, waving a hand to brush it off, still avoiding to look anyone in the eye.

"Eat up your breakfast and join us in the training room," Shiro instructed, patting his shoulder as Lance nodded, turning to watch as the other man left, the others following soon after. Leaving the Cuban alone in the dining room.

He simply stood there, staring off distantly at the table before him. No one was here, he didn't have to do anything they said. He didn't need to eat, he could go without one meal for a day.

He could do just fine without breakfast.

He turned on his heel quickly, glaring at the kitchen as he passed it. He slowed his strides after, if he took his time they wouldn't be suspicious of him skipping breakfast, he could always say he was a fast eater, which was something they would definitely buy.

He made it to the changing room, walking in as he sighed in relief at how empty it was. The teen's stomach grumbled loudly and he pressed into it with the side of his fist, as if that could simply just stop the hunger. He was fine, he could ignore the pain for a few hours. The universe came first anyways, his problems were irrelevant. 

Paladins had no time for personal issues. Especially for petty things like body insecurities.

He finished suiting up, entering into the training room where everyone else was currently waiting, the four of them doing their warm-up stretches.

Lance remained silent, casually joining in on the warm-up as they casted a few brief glances at him, before resuming to their stretches. 

After they finished, Allura arrived in her suit, hands on her hips as she stood before them, tall and demanding authority and respect in just her stance alone. They stood straight, focusing on the princess as she began to instruct them of what they'd be doing.

"Today you will not be doing anything too physical," she said, gaining a sigh of relief from most of the Paladins. They had been tired out from the constant exercises, muscles sore and aching.

"Instead, we will be doing the mind-meld once again."

Lance saw Pidge tense up, the mind-meld did not go very well for her last time, as it lead to her storming off after the memory of her brother came up. He sent a look of sympathy towards the girl, hoping this time it would go much better than before.

"But instead of focusing purely on forming Voltron, I want you to share your memories with each other." The Altean woman spoke, a small smile on her face, "It doesn't have to be personal, it can simply be a happy memory you have. I want this to help us get to know each other a little better and strengthen our bond as a team. Coran and I will also be joining you."

"Any chance to get to know you better princess," Lance grinned, sending a cheesy wink as Allura scoffed playfully. The others chuckling or groaning at his flirtatious antics, typical Lance.

Everyone seemed to relax at that though, sharing a few positive memories shouldn't be too hard. Besides, it was a good idea to know about each other better, after all, who knew how long they'd be stuck with each other in space? Better to start getting closer sooner than later.

 

Everyone had gotten into their circle like before, sitting down as they placed on their headbands. 

"I'll go last," Lance said suddenly, surprising everyone else at his statement.

"Really? I thought you'd want to go first," Pidge scoffed, though not in a deprecating way. "You talk about your family so much I'd think you'd be excited to share first."

"I always save the best for last," Lance hummed, smirking as he leaned back in his hands. Pidge rolled her eyes, though doing nothing to hide her smile.

Eventually Coran had decided to go first. His memories consisted of Altea, with warm sunny days in the marketplace and chaotic adventures with the former king Alfor. Including a very hectic one involving a large bear-like beast chasing them out a cave. It was breath of comedic air as they viewed the memories, though tinted with sadness and longing, it brought up their moods relatively quick. Even Keith seemed to be laughing, Lance didn't even know that boy had more than one emotion, that emotion being resting bitch face of course.

Allura followed after him, more visions of Altea flooding their minds, these ones a bit more calm though. With endless fields and hills covered in flowers, and a young, giggling Allura, with her father braiding them into her hair. Her running through the halls with Alfor chasing after her and him reading to her bedtime stories. Much like Coran's, they were tinted with an aching sadness. Lance sending her waves of sympathy, though he did not suffer losing his whole family and planet, he understood missing them. The princess appreciated it. Sending a small but thankful smile towards him.

Then came Shiro, his memories were much more jumbled, as he struggled to ignore those of the Arena and endless days of torture, trying to search for those uncorrupted by the months of agony. Keith supplied his first memory of meeting the man, in which the two had met during his days in the Garrison.

Shiro chuckled at that, remembering how angry Keith was as a child, picking fights constantly and making trouble. Eventually, thoughts of him and Keith standing outside, watching the sun set came in, bringing with them brief images of a tall dark man with glasses. The two of them laughing as Shiro blushed at the memories, a longing look upon his face on them. Then came memories of his home in Japan. Cooking with his mother and studying hard into the late hours of the night to get into his dream school in America. How proud he felt when he succeeded and how proud his mother was. All this brought a sad smile to the older man's face, and Lance suddenly remembered that Shiro was human. He knew that already of course, but it just hit him that he wasn't just their leader, he was just like them, young and harboring his own secrets and feelings. But, perhaps one day he could trust them all enough to share.

Unsurprisingly, Keith followed after. Sharing a hazy memory of his father giving him his knife, the scene interrupted by a large fire and cries of fear, but that left as quickly as it came. Judging by the teen's reaction, it was one he did not want to relive, nor share.

Shiro placed a hand on the boy's shoulder, calming him down as another memory came, ones with Keith hanging out with Shiro and meeting Matt and Sam Holt. That branched off to showing Keith and Matt pulling some sort of prank on the teachers, laughing to themselves as they fled from the scene. It reminded Lance of when his brothers getting into trouble constantly, being scolded by their mother and sister.

Pidge chuckled at that, as her memories suddenly came forward of similar situations with her and Matt. The girl appeared to really admire her brother, following him around and copying what he did. Scenes of the two of them looking at the stars through a telescope, or talking from the rooftop. Her dad telling them stories of space and the universe, the young Pidge fascinated by them. She was a pretty adorable kid Lance thought, Pidge grinning smugly at that as if to say, 'Yeah I was.'

Then came Hunk, his memories came mostly from home with his moms. He was an only child and pretty shy around others, but he was a smart kid. One of his moms was an engineer, and Hunk was fascinated by her job. He was constantly working on something, tweaking things and playing around with them. He quickly learned and started to build a few things of his own, he even managed to win his school science fair. Because of his brilliance, his moms suggested he'd go to the Garrison, that scene transitioning to Hunk meeting Lance, and the two of them becoming fast friends. Thoughts of meeting Shay and baking with his family also came through. The teen smiling happily at those.

Then came Lance, his memories came easily, many of them being very family-oriented. Playing dress-up with Veronica; wrestling with Marco; watching Luis in awe of his charisma; baking with his mama; chatting away with his grandparents and friends after school. His memories were very clustered and filled with joy. His heart ached for his family and home, as the happiness died down, showing him sitting alone in the observatory deck, looking out into space longingly. He tried shaking them away, he had to keep thinking happy thoughts. 

He was so pathetic.

Lance tensed, a flash of numbers interrupting his thoughts; 134, 126, 118, not skinny enough, not skinny enough, not skinny-

He threw off the machine with a gasp, his heart pounding in his chest as he felt like he was going to faint. He didn't mean for that to happen, he never wanted that to happen. Oh god he slipped up. 

The others stared at him in surprise, their faces turning to concern and confusion as Lance glanced at them. They were judging him, they thought he was weirdo and they knew oh god they knew.

He was going to puke.

Lance stood up so quickly they barely registered him bolting out the room, hand over his mouth as he gripped his suit tightly.

Everyone remained sitting there in silence, trying to process what just happened. One minute ago everything was fine, Lance was happy and sharing his memories, and then the next second he was gone, leaving in a rushed panic as the doors closed behind him.

Keith was the first to speak.

"What just happened?" He asked, confused on the situation, he thought everyone was going fine. This wasn't supposed to be a stressful activity like last time.

Shiro turned to Hunk, if anyone knew Lance it would be him. "Hunk, do you know why Lance reacted like that?" He hoped that the Samoan would know why Lance left in such a hurry after the brief memory of the numbers showed up, or if those numbers meant anything. 

The dark skinned teen shook his head, looking just as shocked as the others, "I have no clue, he's never told me anything about… whatever that was."

They all fell into silence again, worried for their teammate as the same thought echoed through their minds.

What was wrong with Lance?

 

He couldn't believe he slipped up. 

The Cuban teen rested his cheek on the toilet seat, groaning loudly after he had spent the last few minutes dry-heaving into the toilet. Nothing had come up and yet he still felt drained. 

He was doing fine, if only he had controlled it better then maybe he wouldn't be here. Locked up in his bathroom, heaving his lungs out only for nothing but spit to come up.

He hated himself for this. He hated for making such a big deal out of everything. Why didn't he just play it off as something else? He could've just lied and said it meant nothing, he didn't need to run away and make himself look more like a freak from it. They probably thought he was messed up, unfit for being a paladin if he freaked out over a bunch of numbers.

How was he going to explain this now?

~:~

The team hasn't seen Lance since earlier that morning, the blue paladin having left and never came back, presumably in his room. 

This only made them even more worried, it must've been something really bad if Lance hasn't came back in the last few hours. What could've happened to make him so worked up?

It wasn't until lunchtime that Lance finally made his reappearance, standing there awkwardly as he shuffled quietly over to the table. Sitting as far away from the others as possible. He didn't grab a bowl of goo, playing with the edge of the sleeves of his jacket instead, staring at his covered hands.

The table was silent, the only noise coming from the occasional clinks of spoons on the metal and the low hum of the castle. Everyone casted awkward glances to each other, too nervous to say anything as they remained quiet.

Allura couldn't take it anymore, finally breaking the tense silence as she turned to Lance, "What happened back there?"

Everyone turned to her, Lance finally looking up as his eyes widened its slightly. The teen shifted in his seat, picking at his sleeves more.

"Nothing important," he mumbled, covering his hands with his sleeves, chewing on them anxiously.

"That's clearly a lie," she said, "It's obviously not nothing if you got so panicked from it that you ran off and avoided us."

Lance bit his lower lip, exhaling quietly as he put his hands down, leaning forward on the table with his elbows. "It's not something I want to talk about ok?"

"The whole purpose of the exercise was to know each other better," the princess pressed, "How are we going to trust one another if we keep secrets from each other?"

"Listen," Lance snapped, glaring at the Altean, "I don't want to talk about it, it's in the past now and it doesn't matter anymore so why don't we just forget it ever happened."

"I just want to understand-"

"Then why don't you understand I don't want to talk about it? Just drop it!" He shouted, anger boiling inside him as he slammed his hands on the table, effectively her to shut up, everyone flinching back at his tone. They had never seen him get so angry before, they'd seen him pissed definitely, but Lance never once shouted at them in that voice, especially at the princess.

He seemed to realize what exactly he did, as he shrunk in his seat, rubbing as his face as he tried to calm down, blinking away the tears furiously. 

"Shit, I'm sorry, I didn't mean- ugh." He felt his throat beginning to tighten, choking back the sobs as he took a shaky breath, his hands were shaking now. "I gotta go." He mumbled out, standing up in a rush as he headed back to his room.

He only made it worse.

 

Lance was back in his room, locking the door as he fell back against it, sliding down as he curled up into a tight ball, sniffling loudly as he whipped away the tears with his sleeves, soaking them as he went to use his shirt instead. Tears and snot staining his clothes.

Why couldn't he do anything right? He just had to go mess things up all over again. 

Nice going, he thought to himself angrily, you fucked it up and they all hate you now. They'll never talk to you again.

He should've killed himself when he had the chance.

He banged his head against the wall, letting the tears fall down his face, tickling his neck and staining his shirt. He was such a wreck.

His stomach grumbles loudly, empty and biting at him with a deep hunger. 

He ignored it, he didn't deserve to eat anyway.

He stood up, removing his clothes as he put on a different pair. A large blue t-shirt and a shorts, the shorts hung off his hips awkwardly, them being too big for him, or maybe he was too skinny for them. Either way it didn't matter, because he was going to sleep. The teen curled up into his bed, submerging himself under the covers as they soaked up his tears.

A calming presence entered his mind, a low rumbling sound. 

Blue.

Lance smiled softly at that, allowing the lion to comfort his turbulent mind, lulling him to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not so much dysmorphia here (must be one of my better days) but it's still there.
> 
> I have a few headcanons I slipped into here for the others, like Hunk having two moms and Shiro having a single mother. I also went through and added some things from what I know from the SDCC panel. 
> 
> Anyway I hoped you enjoyed this chapter a bit, I'm already working on the other one, and hopefully once I get back from camp after two weeks I can finish it up.

**Author's Note:**

> What started as a vent fic, to a one-shot, has become a multichapter story. Whoops.
> 
> Inspired by Courage by Superchick
> 
> Sorry if it's kinda OOC?? It's a coping/vent story so I'm basically projecting myself onto Lance here so heh.
> 
> Also I'm gonna be away at camp for two weeks so I won't be able to really write anything but I'll try to get to it when I return!


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